


Of Vice and Virtue

by RedQ



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Accidental addiction, Addiction, Addiction Support, Depression, Drug Addict Barry, Drug Addiction, Family Issues, Gen, He had good intentions, Junkie Barry, Relapse, Velocity 9, Withdrawal, ooc barry, sick barry, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-10 03:26:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12902943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedQ/pseuds/RedQ
Summary: As Barry held the syringe over his forearm, getting ready to inject himself with the speed serum, he couldn’t stop Harry’s words from repeating themselves inside his head.You lose a chunk of your humanity every time you compromise your values.Warning: Addiction





	1. Values

 [](https://imgflip.com/gif/22lxp3) 

* * *

**MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING: If you have any history of addiction or even suspect that you have any current addictions, please do not read this story. Parts of it are probably going to be very triggering, and this warning doesn't just pertain to this chapter, but the story as a whole. Self-harm and depression may also apply, seeing as addictions often coincide with both of these categories.**

**I'm going to be candid with everyone right away; Barry is** **_very_ ** **OOC in this story. Deep down, he's still Barry Allen, and I always try to stay as true to the characters as possible, but just to be open with everyone from the start; Barry gets addicted to V9 in this story.**

**The purpose of this story is not to glamorize drug use but rather to demonstrate the dangers of addiction and show how even a responsible person such as Barry can have his life ruined by drugs. Needless to say, there will be angst.**

* * *

**Values**

* * *

"What are you doing?" Harry's voice demanded from behind him as he walked.

Barry barely glanced back at him, turning his head slightly to the side without really looking at him. He didn't break his stride down the hallway as he responded.

"Training," he answered tersely, hearing Wells' footsteps behind him.

Normally he consciously slowed himself down when someone was attempting to walk alongside him. This time, he didn't, walking with a brisk pace down the hallway as Wells trailed after him.

"Training," he heard Wells scoff at the lie, "Allen, don't be stupid."

Barry didn't respond. He just kept walking, his jaw set in defiance. As he walked into the breech room, Harry called him out point blank.

"I know you took the V9, Allen."

Barry stopped in the center of the room, a humorless smile forming on his face as he turned to face Harry.

"No, I haven't," he said, almost smugly.

"Oh no?" Harry challenged.

"No," Barry said calmly

He kept the small collected smile on his face, remaining unabashed. Harry wasn't his father, and he didn't need to answer to him.

"I took it," he admitted shamelessly, "But I haven't _taken_ it...yet."

"Good," Wells clipped.

"Tell me why I shouldn't," Barry said, shaking his head, not understanding why the rest of them were so opposed to it.

Wells scoffed at him.

"Figure it out," he said arrogantly.

Barry exhaled impatiently.

"If the game is already rigged, why can't I level the playing field?" he demanded, "I mean if everybody else is cheating, how can...?"

Barry sighed and turned away with a small humorless laugh before looking back at Harry again, his face dead serious.

"I want to be fast enough to stop Zoom," he said gravely, "And _any_ speedster who tries to hurt my friends. Shouldn't I use everything in my power to do that?"

"You want to take a shortcut?" asked Harry, "Is that right? You want to take a shortcut? Remember this: You lose a chunk of your humanity every time you compromise your values."

Barry laughed darkly at that, shaking his head in mock amusement.

"I'm sorry, that's really good," he said muttered, "Coming from you."

Harry opened his mouth to retort, but before he could say anything in reply, Barry was suddenly gone from the room, leaving a trail of yellow lightning in his wake.

* * *

Barry stood at the cliff by the dam, the one he had nearly fallen to his death in just the day before in his efforts to get faster. He looked down at the vial in his hand, turning it over repeatedly between his fingers as he mulled it all over. Really, what was so bad about getting a little extra help? Everyone else was using speed enhancers. It wasn't exactly cheating if all the other players were doing the same thing. He had been busting his ass for weeks trying to get faster with very little to show for it, and here they had had something that could help him all along.

Barry didn't care that there were risks involved in it. He really didn't care if it ended up making him sick. As long it helped him stop Zoom and stop him soon, he didn't care about the long-term effects. He only cared about the here and now, about the fact that everyone he loved was still in danger while Zoom was still out there. Barry would deal with the other consequences of taking the V9 later. For now, he was just going to do what needed to be done to keep everyone safe, his health be damned.

As Barry held the syringe over his forearm, getting ready to inject himself with the speed serum, he couldn't stop Harry's words from repeating themselves inside his head.

 _You lose a chunk of your humanity every time you compromise your values_.

He wasn't doing this for himself, though. He was doing it for everyone he cared about. He wasn't doing this just because he wanted to be the best, to be the fastest. For him, it wasn't just about the speed. It was about the ability to keep his loved ones safe. The truth was, Barry was actually kind of scared. He didn't know exactly what the drug was going to do to him, and that aspect of it terrified him.

But it was a risk he was willing to take.

Without thinking about it anymore, Barry quickly jammed the syringe into his arm, feeling the internal needle puncture his skin, injecting him with the red substance. He felt the serum absorb into his bloodstream almost instantly, crackling through his veins almost like lightning but also something more that he couldn't quite explain.

Barry gasped and sank to his knees, unable to move or control his breathing or his thoughts as the substance travelled throughout his body, distributing itself to every part of him. He pulled the now-empty syringe out of his arm but otherwise didn't move as he adjusted to the V9 in his system.

It was done.

* * *

Everyone in the cortex turned towards the computer when the beeping started. Caitlin quickly made her way over to the screen.

"It's Barry," she said, looking at the screen, "His vitals just spiked."

They all looked at her with wide eyes.

"Barry!" Cisco shouted into the com system, "What's going on?! Are you alright?!"

There was no answer, but they could hear a gasping sound over the coms.

"Where is he?" Joe asked worriedly.

"He's by the dam," Cisco answered, pulling up a map, "The one we were training at yesterday."

"Oh my God," Iris gasped, "Did he _jump_?!"

They all looked at Caitlin.

"His vitals are going haywire," she said, looking at the screen in confusion, "I don't understand."

If Barry had tried to jump the dam and hurt himself, his blood pressure would most likely be dropping from hypovolemic shock. Instead it was rising, right along with his pulse. It didn't make any sense. It was like he had had some sort of spike of adrenaline.

"He didn't jump."

They all turned to see Wells standing in the doorway, shaking his head out of irritation.

"He took the V9," Harry told them, "He stole the vial of V9 you had."

They all stared at him in shock.

"He _what_?!" Caitlin asked in a panicked voice.

"Well, what did you expect him to do?" Harry asked her angrily, "You should have never even told him about the serum in the first place. Of course he was going to take it."

"But we warned him," Caitlin said, "We told him it would hurt him."

Wells just shook his head arrogantly.

"You think that matters to him right now?" he snapped, "All Barry cares about is getting faster, _stopping Zoom_ , and you presented him with a way to do exactly that. And then you went and just left the vial sitting out where he could get to it."

"Wait a second," Cisco said, shaking his head, "How do we know for sure he took it?"

"I just saw him with it," Harry told them.

"And you didn't try to _stop_ him?!" Joe demanded.

"Of course I tried to stop him," Harry replied calmly, "You think he listened to me? He just stupidly took off before I could convince him not to do inject himself with it."

"We need to get to him," Iris said, irritated that they were all too busy yelling at each other and blaming each other to focus on what really mattered right now: helping Barry, "We have to get to the dam."

"His vitals are stabilizing," Caitlin said suddenly, staring at the screen.

A moment later they didn't have to worry about getting to the dam anymore. With a flash of blinding light, Barry was suddenly standing in the cortex in front of them, having flashed there within a second.

"Barry!" Iris shouted, rushing toward him.

"Don't touch me," Barry warned, making her stop a few feet in front of him.

That's when they could all see the lightning and electricity coursing off of him, sparking from his body. Barry was shaking uncontrollably, practically vibrating where he stood.

"What did you do, Barry?!" Joe demanded.

"What I had to," Barry answered defensively, his voice altered from his vibrating, "We didn't have any other choice."

"I told you the V9 could make you sick!" Caitlin screeched, "I can't believe you did this!"

"What's done is done," Barry said firmly, "We had the V9, and I decided to use it. All I've done is level the playing field. Maybe now we have a chance at stopping Zoom."

Caitlin sighed and moved closer to Barry.

"Are you okay?" she asked, her voice now laced with concern and just a hint of anger yet, "How do you feel?"

"I feel great," Barry said with a shaky laugh, "I feel... _fast_. We have to test this out. See where my speed's at now."

Caitlin gave him a frustrated look. Barry wasn't even worried about his health. All he cared about was getting faster. At least he seemed to be stabilizing now. The electricity was diminishing, and he was slowly starting to vibrate with less intensity as his body acclimated to the drug in his system.

"I'm going to give you a physical first," Caitlin said seriously, " _Then_ we can test your speed."

As she looked him over, she could tell that Barry was jittery and anxious. He didn't seem able to keep still. She wasn't sure if it was just from his desire and impatience to test his speed or if it was the V9 in his system.

"Your heart is beating way too fast," she fretted, "Even for you. I can't even get a count on it. It's just fluttering at this point."

"I feel fine," Barry said impatiently.

"Barry, this isn't healthy," she chastised, "Your heart might wear out if it goes like this for too long. I'm going to hook you up to EKG. We should monitor your heart rhythm for a while before we--"

"I'm going for a run," he said impatiently, cutting her off, "Monitor my vitals through the suit, _and my speed_."

And just like that, Barry was suddenly gone. Caitlin huffed out an angry sigh as she made her way over to the computer monitor. Barry had always been stubborn and impulsive, but never to this degree. He wasn't listening to any reason right now. She wondered if maybe the drug had something to do with that.

"Woah," Cisco said as they tracked Barry through the suit, "This stuff's got him _cruising_."

"How fast is Barry normally?" Iris asked, watching the screen.

"Not this fast," Cisco answered, unable to keep the smile off his face as he watched.

It was hard to believe Barry was actually travelling through the city at these speeds.

Caitlin, however, wasn't all that interested in how fast Barry was going. She was more interested in his vitals, watching them worriedly on the screen. His heartrate wasn't even registering in the suit's monitoring system. All that was displayed for a heartrate was a question mark. The only thing that reassured her his heart was even beating was the fact that the rest of his vitals were still showing and the fact he was still running.

"Barry," she said into the coms, trying to keep her voice calm but firm, "That's enough. Please come back here and let me do some more tests. This isn't safe."

"I can go faster," Barry said eagerly, ignoring her.

"Don't do it," Cisco said into the mic, sensing the doctor's anxiety and now becoming nervous himself.

Barry didn't listen, though. Instead, he picked up his speed, reaching a velocity that was well outside the limits of anything they had ever seen before.

"Barry!" Caitlin cried into the com, panicking now, "Your body can't handle those speeds this soon! You have to stop _now_!"

They all looked at each other worriedly. Caitlin's eyes widened when the rest of Barry's vitals stopped registering. His blood pressure, temperature, oxygen saturation. All of it was displayed on the screen as a series of question marks.

"Stop him," Caitlin said urgently to Cisco.

Cisco didn't need telling twice. He already had his hand on the button. He pressed it quickly, and they all watched the monitor nervously. Barry slowed slightly, and they heard him gasp through the coms, but he still kept running.

"Another one," Caitlin said firmly, gritting her teeth.

Cisco pressed the button again.

"What are you doing to him?" Joe asked worriedly, panicking himself as he plainly saw how nervous Caitlin and Cisco were.

"Speed dampener," Cisco answered, hand hovering over the button a third time when they saw that Barry still wasn't stopping, even after two hits of the slowing drug.

"You put speed dampening serum in his suit?" Iris asked in shock.

They didn't answer her, though, as Caitlin instructed Cisco to hit him again, for a third time.

The third hit seemed to do it then. Barry started to slow significantly, and eventually he slowed to a stop, gasping for breath.

"W-what...what are you doing to me?" he asked through the coms.

"Sorry, Barry," Caitlin said, reaching over and hitting the button one more time.

Barry didn't answer after that, but it was safe to say that he was either unconscious or was laying on the ground in shock. Either way, he wasn't moving on the screen anymore.

The rest of them all looked at each other.

"It had to be done," Caitlin said surely, "If we had let him continue...The speeds he was running at were damaging. His body wouldn't have been able to handle that. He would have died."

The others all nodded at her, their eyes wide.

"He's somewhere just off of Jump Street," Cisco said quietly, "We should go get him."

The others all agreed silently, and as a group, they made their way to the STAR Labs van.

They found Barry nearly passed out in an alley off Jump Street like Cisco had said. He wasn't completely unconscious, but he was groggy, and he was _pissed_.

"I'm sorry, Barry," Caitlin said, kneeling down next to him, "I didn't think I had a choice. You weren't going to stop, and we had to stop you before you hurt yourself."

Barry was shaking violently, almost to the point of vibrating.

"I w-was fine until n-now," he stuttered through gritted teeth.

His body tensed and shook violently, and Caitlin's eyes widened in concern.

"Your body's trying to fight off the speed dampener," she said quietly, "The drugs are interacting, and your system is overloaded. We need to get you back to STAR Labs."

Without waiting for a reply from Barry, Joe and Cisco quickly pulled him up off the ground and helped him to the van.

"Barry, why didn't you listen to us?" Joe asked reproachfully as they drove back to STAR Labs, "Why wouldn't you stop?"

Barry looked away, looking out the window as he tried to control the shaking of his body. When he answered, it in hardly more than a whisper, more to himself than it was to Joe.

"I didn't think I _could_."

* * *

**Don't worry, the team's motive behind putting speed dampening serum in Barry's suit will be addressed, albeit their reasoning is somewhat weak.**


	2. Motives

**Important: Just a reminder that at this point in the season, "Jay" just died and they haven't realized he was Zoom yet. This is right before the Trajectory episode, in which Jay's true identity is revealed, as well as the dangers of taking Velocity 9. Right now, the team has yet to witness its harmful effects and don't know what to expect from the drug.**

* * *

**Motives**

* * *

"It seems that the speed dampener and the Velocity 9 are counteracting with each other in your system," Caitlin said as she was checking Barry's pulse.

Barry shot her a look and then glared around at all of them.

"Why did you guys even _put_ that in my suit?" he seethed.

He may have betrayed their trust by taking the V9 without consulting them first, but they had clearly betrayed _his_ by hiding a small injector in his suit containing speed dampening serum.

"Don't be mad," Cisco pleaded, "We just thought..."

He looked over to Caitlin for help, and the doctor let out a heavy sigh.

"We thought we might need it one day," she told him, "Barry, your...obsession with Zoom is getting worse. We wanted to have the serum in place in case we ever needed to stop you from going after him and getting yourself killed."

Barry didn't even know how to respond to that.

"Are you serious?!" he yelled, leaning forward in the medical bed that Caitlin had forced him to sit on, "What would your plan have been then?! To lock me in the pipeline?!"

"If that's what it takes, yes," Caitlin replied calmly.

"Barry," Joe said gently, "They only did it to protect you."

"Did you know about this?!" Barry demanded.

"No," Joe answered calmly, "But I understand why they did it. Your preoccupation with Zoom worries me, Bar. I don't want to see you get yourself hurt trying to take him down."

Barry let out a frustrated growl.

"Wow," he said, glaring at all of them, "Nice to know you guys believe in me. Really, guys. Thanks. I appreciate the vote of confidence."

"Barry, it's not that we don't believe in you," Iris said desperately, "We just know how fixated you've been on stopping Zoom, and we don't want you to do anything reckless."

"Reckless," Barry scoffed.

"Yes, Barry, reckless," Caitlin said angrily, "Reckless, like taking Velocity 9 when I _told_ you what could happen if you do."

"I'm fine!" Barry snapped, "And I was perfectly fine before you guys hit me with the dampener."

"But you weren't, man," Cisco said, "You weren't going to stop."

"You were going to run until your heart gave out," Caitlin said seriously, "Barry, just because you _can_ move that fast, it doesn't mean you _should_. You may be a speedster, but you're still human, too. You're still flesh and blood. Your body has limitations, and if you push them like that--"

"I'll decide what my limitations are," Barry said dangerously, and they all were shocked to see actual lightning dancing in his eyes.

That's when they all realized.

This was the V9 talking. Barry was still under its influence.

"Barry," Iris said cautiously, stepping toward the bed, "You're not fine. I don't think you're thinking straight right now."

"Actually, I'm now thinking clearer than ever," he said stubbornly, "And what I'm thinking right now is that we're spending way too much time talking about me when we should be discussing Zoom."

They all looked at each other. Barry was practically proving their point for them.

"With the V9," Barry continued, "We have the upper hand. I'm faster than Zoom now. I can beat him!"

"Barry, you're crazy if you think we're letting you take the V9 again," Caitlin said seriously, "We'll find another way to stop Zoom."

"This is _my_ decision!" Barry said angrily, "I want to do this."

"We're not going to let you hurt yourself to beat Zoom, Bar," Joe said seriously, "I won't allow it."

"It's _my_ decision!" Barry shouted again, standing up from the bed, hands balled into fists at his sides, "It's my body, and I'll decide to do with it what I want! I'm taking more V9!"

"Barry," Iris whispered, "It could _kill_ you."

"I don't care," Barry said stubbornly, "I don't care what it does to me, as long as everyone is safe. I'm not going to throw away this opportunity to defeat Zoom just because you guys are worried about my health. This whole thing is bigger than just me. Stopping Zoom is the most important thing right now."

"Barry, we don't even know what this drug is going to _do_ to you," Joe said in a scared voice.

"Then we'll find out," Barry said, taking a step closer to him, "We'll find out as we go along. I know there might be side effects, but I'm willing to risk--"

Barry suddenly stopped talking, his eyes going wide and unfocused.

"Barry?" Cisco asked in concern.

Barry stumbled slightly, taking just a couple steps before his feet suddenly gave out from under him. He hit the floor with a loud thud.

"Barry!" Iris shouted, running over to where he laid on the ground.

Caitlin beat her there, stooping down next to Barry to feel for a pulse at his wrist.

"The drug is starting to wear off," she said seriously, "He's crashing now. He's coming down from his high."

"He wasn't _high_ ," Joe argued, "It's not like he was doing cocaine or...or ecstasy or something."

"For a speedster..." Caitlin said, biting her lip, "He may as well be."

Joe opened his mouth to argue, but he didn't say anything. He knew Caitlin's comment wasn't far off. Barry wasn't himself with the V9 in his system. That much was clear. For a speedster, it wasn't far off from doing any other street drug.

"Come on," Caitlin said after a moment, "We should get him into bed. He needs to sleep it off."

* * *

Barry's head felt like it had been split in two. The noises in the room that were previously murky and dulled now sounded ten times louder. He groaned and reached his hand up to clutch his head.

"Barry?" he heard Iris's voice say.

He turned his head away from her, desperately wishing she wouldn't speak. It seemed as if she was shouting directly in his ear.

"Barry," she said seriously, "Can you hear me?"

"Ugh," Barry groaned, clutching his head and squeezing his eyes shut, "Stop speaking so _loud_."

Thankfully, Iris didn't say anything after that. All he heard was silence. Barry thought maybe he could even go back to sleep, but when he heard a small sigh escape Iris's lips, he couldn't help but open his eyes. When his eyes focused in on her, he could clearly see the upset expression on her face.

It all came rushing back to him then.

The vial left sitting out in the cortex, just before he swiped it. Harry's lecture before he ran off. The needle puncturing his skin. The _energy_. The _speed_.

The euphoria.

It had felt like when had first gotten his powers. That first run. That feeling like nothing could touch him. He hadn't had that feeling in a long time, had almost forgotten what it felt like. Now that he remembered, he wanted to feel it again. He wanted to experience that speed again, that feeling of invincibility.

He wanted more V9.

"I feel awful," Barry croaked, rubbing his eyes.

"Not surprising," Caitlin replied, approaching his bed, "You're coming down from the drug. Withdrawal is setting in now."

Caitlin impatiently yanked Barry's hand away from his face, holding onto his wrist to feel his pulse. Her movements were harsh and demanding, not kind and gentle like they usually were.

"You're upset with me," Barry sighed, not really a question, "I'm sorry."

He _was_ sorry. He knew they were all upset over what he had done. Barry hadn't done it for himself, though. He had done it for _them_. He had done it for _everyone_ who was at risk from Zoom. He had done it to be a hero.

"Bar," Joe said softly, moving to sit on the edge of Barry's bed, "What were you thinking?"

"You _know_ what I what I was thinking," Barry said impatiently, "We have to stop Zoom."

Joe sighed and put a hand over Barry's, shaking his head.

"You really scared us, Bar," he said quietly, "You weren't yourself."

"I remember," Barry insisted, "I remember everything I said and did. I know I was a little...impulsive, but I had everything under--"

"You weren't in control," Iris argued, before he could even finish his sentence, "You may have felt like you were, but you _weren't_ , Barry. The _V9_ was controlling _you_."

Barry opened his mouth, but he quickly clamped it shut, not knowing what to say. She was wrong. He wasn't out of control. He may have been difficult for them to reason with, but that didn't mean he had been out of control. Quite the opposite. With the V9 in his system, he never felt more in control. More powerful. He didn't know how he could get them to understand that, though.

They didn't know what it felt like. They didn't know what being a _speedster_ was like, let alone being a speedster on V9.

"Guys, this is our _chance_ ," Barry said desperately, "This is our chance to defeat Zoom."

"Bar, why can't you just let this go?" Joe urged, "Zoom is trapped on his own earth now. We can be done with all of this."

"I can't leave earth two to suffer Zoom's wrath," Barry said stubbornly, "I won't do it. I won't have the desolation of an entire _world_ on my conscience. I need to stop him."

"Then we'll keep training," Cisco said, "You'll get faster the natural way."

"That's not good enough," Barry gritted, "I need to get faster _now_."

"Allen," Harry snapped, "I know you're not this _stupid_. The V9 could _kill_ you. I know Garrick and I didn't really get along, but I have to agree with him on this point. Speedsters shouldn't take speed enhancers. It's dangerous."

"You're the one who _created_ it!" Barry nearly shouted, looking back and forth between Harry and Caitlin, "Both of you, you created the V9. You created it for _me_. So I could get _faster_."

"So you're just going to ignore everything Jay said?" Caitlin retorted angrily, "He warned us how dangerous it was, and now you're just going to disrespect his memory by taking it anyways?"

"I'm trying to get _justice_ for him," Barry countered, his hands balling into fists, "I'm trying to get justice for his death."

"Jay wouldn't want this," Cisco said, siding with Caitlin, "He wouldn't want you to do this, Barry."

"He also wouldn't want me to leave his earth to Zoom's mercy," Barry persisted, "Earth 2 doesn't have a Flash to protect it anymore. Jay would want me to step up. He would want me to protect them."

"Not like this," Caitlin said quietly, "Please, Barry, just _listen_ to us. This isn't the right way."

Barry looked down at the bedsheets covering him, a frown on his face. Maybe they were right. Maybe he _shouldn't_ take the V9. But the _speed..._

"How fast did I go?" Barry blurted then, looking back up at them, "How fast did I go on the V9?"

Everyone gave each other uneasy looks, no one answering his question.

"How fast, Cisco?" Barry demanded, staring a hole through the younger man.

Cisco shifted uncomfortably where he stood.

"Too fast," he said after a moment, "You were going _too fast_ , Barry."

"That's not an answer," Barry gritted, "Just tell me, Cisco. How fast was I going?"

Cisco let out a heavy sigh.

"A little under mach four," he said quietly.

Barry's heart leapt.

"I've never gone that fast," he muttered to himself, a small smile spreading on his face, "I've been stuck at mach three for months."

No one else was smiling, though.

"Come on, guys!" Barry groaned, "How are you not excited about this?!"

"Because while you were preoccupied with your speed," Caitlin gritted, "I was watching your vitals, Barry. They didn't even _register_ in the suit's telemetry readings. The V9 may increase the speed force in your system, but that doesn't mean your _body_ can handle all that energy."

Barry stubbornly shook his head at her.

"V9 works by increasing the oxygen in my blood stream," he argued, "It _helps_ my body keep up with the speed force. It helps my cells utilize the energy I already have."

"Wrong," Caitlin retorted, "That's oversimplifying it, Barry. The V9 also helps your body release all that energy at once. It's the same way how common street drugs trigger your brain to release all your dopamine stores at once. Once it's released, the energy levels are depleted. That's why you crashed the way you did. That's why you're feeling so terrible now. Your body released too much speed force at once, and now you're going through withdrawal."

Barry opened and closed his mouth a couple times, not knowing what to say. He couldn't argue with her. He _did_ feel terrible. He couldn't feel the same amount of speed force coursing through his system that he normally did. That was because his speed force stores were depleted. His body had released them all at once, and now, he just felt drained. He felt like only one thing would help him feel better.

Velocity 9.

"Barry," Caitlin continued seriously, "If you keep taking V9, your body could become dependent on it. You could get addicted."

Everyone's heads snapped up at these words, all of them exchanging worried looks with each other.

"Addicted?" Joe asked quietly.

Caitlin nodded.

"I don't exactly have any drug statistics for V9 to go off of, but yeah. Based on the way the drug works, I'd say addiction is a strong possibility."

They all gaped at her for a moment, but then Barry shook his head.

"No," he said stubbornly, "I'm not going to get addicted. I would never let that happen."

"So you're not experiencing any cravings?" Caitlin asked, raising her eyebrows at him, "You don't want to take more of it right now?"

"Of course I do," Barry shrugged, "But not because I'm _craving_ it. I only want to take it because I want to stop Zoom. There's a difference."

"Barry, I don't know if there is," she reasoned, "I don't know if you're really able to tell the difference between cravings and wanting to stop Zoom."

"This isn't about _me_!" Barry snapped, "I'm not chasing a stupid _high_ , Caitlin! I just want to get faster! I just want to be fast enough to protect people!"

"I believe you," Caitlin said calmly, "Barry, I know you have good intentions. I know you're not just looking for a high and that you only want to take it to be a better hero. Your reasons are noble. No one's questioning that. That being said, I think it's too dangerous for you to continue taking it. We don't know what kinds of risks could come with this."

"I can be careful," Barry reasoned, "I'm not exactly the typical candidate for drug abuse. I know I can be careful."

"Barry," Joe said quietly, "I've seen enough drug addict cases to know that even the best of people can fall victim to--"

"Are you _serious_?!" Barry burst, "I'm not a drug addict, Joe!"

"No one's calling you that, Barry," Iris said quietly, "This whole situation is just really scary. We're worried about you."

Barry took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Look," he sighed, "I know I shouldn't have gone and taken it without consulting you guys first. That was reckless; I know it was. I promise, I won't do anything like that again. As I continue taking it, it will be under Caitlin's careful supervision. She can regulate exactly how much of it I take and monitor all its effects."

Their heads all turned to Caitlin, giving her an uneasy look.

"I don't know, Barry," Joe said slowly, "I don't think I want anything to do with this V9 business. There are too many unknown factors involved."

"Today I went faster than I've ever gone before," Barry said quietly, looking around at all of them, "If I took the V9 again, I could probably get over mach four. I could jump the ravine, and God knows what _else_ I could do. Please, guys, we can't pass up this opportunity. This is why we created the V9 in the first place: so I could get _faster_."

Joe sighed and ran a hand over his face.

"What do you think?" he asked Caitlin quietly.

Caitlin's eyebrows furrowed in thought, a nervous expression on her face as she looked around at all of them. When her eyes landed on Barry, he kept his face blank, waiting silently for her answer.

"Okay," she said quietly after a long moment, "Okay, Barry. We can give it a try."

Barry's heart leapt.

"But we're going to do this _my_ way," Caitlin continued quickly, before he could say anything, " _I_ decide how much of it you take. You're going to let me run all the medical tests I deem necessary, and so help me God, Barry, if we tell you to stop, _you need to stop_."

"I will," Barry nodded emphatically, "I'll do everything you say. I _promise_."

Caitlin gave him a surveying look, as if trying to detect any deceit in his words. After a moment, she let out a heavy sigh.

"Alright then," she said tiredly, "We'll continue experimenting with the V9."


	3. Control

* * *

**Control**

* * *

"That's it?" Barry frowned, looking at the vial in Caitlin's hand, "That's all I'm taking?"

Caitlin raised an eyebrow at him.

"It's not that much less than what you took the first time, Barry," she pointed out, "It's only a quarter less."

Barry looked at the vial again before looking back to Caitlin, forcing a small smile on his face.

"Right," he said quickly, "That should be plenty. Right."

Caitlin gave him another surveying look before reaching for the wires attached to Barry's chest, adjusting his EKG. She had him hooked up to just about every machine imaginable.

"I'm really just going to _sit_ here?" Barry blurted after a moment, unable to stop himself, "I'm just going to sit here in the med bay with V9 in my system? I'm not even going to _run_?"

"Barry, you're lucky we're even doing this at all," Caitlin snapped, "I still don't think we should be experimenting with the V9, but I agreed to do this anyways-- _only_ if you do everything I say."

Barry sucked in a shaky breath and nodded.

"Okay," he muttered quickly, "Okay, I will."

Caitlin let out a heavy sigh as she cleansed the skin on his upper arm. Barry watched her with a slight frown on his face. Before he could stop himself, he spoke again.

"You're doing an in intramuscular injection?" he asked in confusion.

Caitlin raised an eyebrow at him again.

"Anything wrong with that?" she asked in irritation.

"N-no," Barry stammered, "No, I just mean...intramuscular injections take much longer to absorb, and...I know you're the doctor here, but...but an IV injection would absorb at a much faster--"

"Bar," Joe said seriously, cutting him off.

The rest of them were all standing there, watching the doctor work with small frowns on their faces. Joe's frown was particularly distinguishable.

"Stop micromanaging her and let Caitlin do her job," he scolded.

Barry swallowed and nodded emphatically.

"Sorry," he said quickly, "You're right. Sorry."

Joe continued to frown at him, though.

"Is there any reason you want the V9 to absorb faster, Barry?" he questioned, a calculating look on his face.

"What?" Barry stammered, "No. No, I was just...I thought it was supposed to be injected intravenously. That's all."

Joe continued to give him a measuring look as Caitlin returned to her work. After cleansing Barry's arm, she uncapped the needle to the syringe in her hand. Barry's heart leapt in anticipation. He didn't know why he was suddenly feeling so antsy. So... _excited_. He knew he shouldn't be this anxious to get the drug into his system, but he couldn't deny it, even to himself.

He wanted the V9 in him _now_.

No. He wasn't excited about the V9. He was just excited he had found a way to defeat Zoom. It had nothing to do with the way the drug made him feel. The speed. The elation. The power...

No. This was only about Zoom, not the V9.

Caitlin held the needle a couple inches away from Barry's bicep, pausing as she looked uncertainly at him.

"Barry," she said nervously, "Are you sure about th--?"

"Yes," Barry ejected impatiently, "Yes, I'm sure. Just do it, Caitlin."

Caitlin sighed and exchanged an uneasy look with the others before looking back to Barry again. Barry did his best to keep his face smooth, to not look nearly as anxious as he was feeling.

To not look like he was itching to yank the needle away from her and inject himself.

"Alright," Caitlin sighed after what felt like an eternity to Barry, "Just a slight pinch..."

Barry jumped slightly when he felt the needle puncture his skin. It wasn't so much from pain. He just couldn't believe she had actually done it. He had been expecting her to back out.

Barry's thoughts cleared away, however, when Caitlin pushed down on the plunger. He could feel the drug seeping into his muscle tissue, but it was unlike any intramuscular shot he had ever gotten before.

He could already feel the effects. Even with a slower absorption rate, his body's fast metabolism had the V9 seeping into his blood stream within a few seconds. It wasn't as intense as the first time, but it was still exhilarating.

It was like being hit by lightning all over again.

Barry let his eyes slide shut as Caitlin pushed the plunger the rest of the way down. His senses suddenly intensified. He could _feel_ everything in the room. The space pressing in around him. Air particles lightly bouncing off his skin. The gravity pulling on every inch of his body. He could feel the people in the room, standing near his bed. He could feel their heartbeats, sense the natural electricity radiating off them. He could feel the heat leaving his body, the blood flowing through his heart.

The electricity in his veins.

"Barry?"

Barry opened his eyes, allowing the bright light of the room to flood his retinas. It took a moment for him to see Iris's face in front of his.

"Barry..." she said, "You're vibrating."

He looked down. Barry hadn't realized until now just how much he was vibrating. His entire body was pulsing with electricity. He didn't feel like flesh and blood anymore. He felt like raw energy. Pure electricity.

Pure speed force.

"I'm okay," he managed to say, now consciously trying to stop the vibrations.

They gradually slowed down until he was almost back to normal. Every few seconds, however, a vibrational shudder would course through him.

"Are you feeling okay?" Caitlin fretted, looking back and forth between him and the heart monitor.

"I feel..."

Barry didn't even know how to describe how he felt. He felt so much better than okay. There was no other feeling in the world to compare it to. No other drug in existence could do _this_.

"...fine," Barry finished lamely, "I feel fine."

Caitlin frowned at him and then looked back to the heart monitor again. Barry didn't look at the numbers. He didn't have the patience to. Right now, all he could think about was one thing.

Running.

"I have to move," Barry burst, urgently moving to stand up from the bed.

Caitlin clamped her hand on his shoulder, forcing him back down on the medical bed, his legs dangling over the edge.

"Stay seated, Barry," she ordered, her eyes flashing dangerously, "I said to stay sitting the entire time."

"I can't do that," Barry choked, feeling another vibration shudder through him, " _Please,_ Cait."

" _No_."

"What if I just--?"

"No, Barry."

For a moment she and Barry stared at each other through narrowed eyes, both measuring the other one up. Barry was the first to look away.

"I can't sit still," he groaned, running a hand over his face, "Please, Caitlin. It's _painful_."

Caitlin's glare morphed into an expression of concern.

"You're in pain?" she asked worriedly.

Barry sucked in a deep breath and shook his head.

"No," he choked, "Yes...I don't know. It's... _uncomfortable._ Please, I need to _move_."

And he meant it. He felt like he was going to die if he didn't move off the bed soon. The electricity in his bloodstream made it feel like his veins were about pop. Barry knew it was just in his head, but to him, the need to move felt very real.

"I need to run, Caitlin," he pleaded.

Caitlin swallowed and shook her head stubbornly.

"I can't let you do that," she persisted, "We agreed that you were going to stay sitting. I know it's uncomfortable for you, but--"

"It's _unbearable_!" Barry groaned.

His eyes darted around the room, weighing his options. He had no other choice.

"I need to move."

Barry shot up from the bed again, but this time, it was Joe who pushed him back down, using a lot more force than the doctor did.

"Take a deep breath, Bar," he ordered in a hard voice, " _Calm down_. You need to prove to us that you're in control. That the V9 isn't controlling _you_."

Barry nodded emphatically and then did as Joe said, taking in a deep, shaky breath. Joe was right. The whole point of this trial dose was to see if he could handle it--if he could stay in control. He needed to prove to them that the V9 was safe.

Or they wouldn't let him take it again.

"I'm okay," Barry gasped, "I'm alright. I'm in control. I'll...I'll stay sitting."

His muscles _ached_ , though. His body was full of energy that was begging to be released--any way that it could. Barry had never felt more conflicted in his life as he sat there, electricity coursing through his body. He wanted to release it, but he also didn't want to be rid of it. He didn't know _what_ he wanted.

He just wanted to _run_.

It was all he could think about. Several times, as he sat there, Barry nearly jumped up from his seat. He could take off again. He could just run out of here in an instant, and there would be nothing they could do about it.

He couldn't do that, though. Barry had enough mental clarity to know that. He couldn't run. He couldn't mess this up. This was his chance to take down Zoom, and if he ran now, proving to them that the V9 was stronger than he was, he would never get this opportunity again.

The _electricity_ though! It felt like it was eating him up from the inside. Barry needed to release it. He just didn't know how. So he settled on a compromise.

He started vibrating again.

"Barry," Caitlin said gently, "Can you stop vibrating, please?"

Barry sucked in a deep breath and closed his eyes.

"No," he gritted, shaking his head, "I can't."

His senses were being overloaded. Every time he tried to stop, it became too much for him, and he would start vibrating again. He could still feel _everything_ in the room.

"So much...electricity," he choked out after a moment, only now realizing he had laid back on the bed as he vibrated, "The air...I can taste it in the air."

Out of the corner of his eye, Barry could see everyone exchanging uneasy looks with each other. He didn't care, though. He was doing the best he could. It took every bit of mental strength he had not to run.

"The machines..." Barry gritted, "Turn them off."

"What?" Caitlin asked in bewilderment, "Why?!"

"Just do it!" Barry yelled, "Turn them off! Now!"

Caitlin jumped and did as he requested, a confused look on her face.

"Barry, I need to monitor your--"

"The electricity," Barry gritted, "It...too much."

Turning off the machines only helped a little, though. The electricity around him was still overwhelming. Barry could feel more of the V9 being absorbed into his blood stream. Injecting it into the muscle hadn't dulled it.

It had _prolonged_ it.

And now Barry couldn't think straight. He couldn't remember why he was unable to run. What reason could there possibly be for sitting still right now? Sitting still was painful. Sitting still was _agony_. Something was keeping him from running, though. There was a reason why he was fighting so hard to stay still, and even if Barry could no longer remember what that reason was, he obeyed it. He denied his impulse and just laid there.

He let the electricity overtake him.

* * *

"I think he's starting to come back."

Barry blinked several times, his mind in a dull haze. What was happening. Starting to come back? Where had he been?

"Barry?" Joe's voice said from somewhere near him, "Can you hear me?"

Barry blinked again. His eyes weren't working properly. He could vaguely see the ceiling lights above him, but the edges of them were blurred. A figure then suddenly appeared in his line of sight. Joe. Barry could hardly see his face, though. It was like everything in the room was buzzing.

It took him a moment to realize _he_ was the one who was buzzing. He was still vibrating. Once he realized this, Barry made a conscious effort to relax his muscles. They felt like they were on fire! His entire _body_ felt like it was on fire.

"The drug's finally working its way out of his system," Caitlin informed the room, "It should be mostly metabolized by now."

Drug? What was she talking about? It suddenly struck him then. Velocity 9. He had taken Velocity 9 again.

"I-I'm o-okay," Barry stuttered, attempting to sit up.

Before they could even move to stop him, Barry's head collapsed back on the pillows. Moving was _agony_! His entire body felt like it had been hit by a truck!

"I don't think you're going to be going anywhere for a while, Bar," Joe said gently.

"He sure isn't," Caitlin growled, "Barry, I'm keeping you overnight for observation."

Barry's eyebrows furrowed for a moment as he took in her words.

"Wait," he said hoarsely, shaking his head in confusion, "What happened? What'd I miss?"

"What'd you miss?" Caitlin seethed, "Well, lets see. You missed us spending the last _four hours_ trying to get your vitals steady. You missed us worrying sick about you when you went unresponsive for _way_ too long. You missed us--"

"Caitlin," Cisco said gently, "Go easy on him. He's confused."

Barry looked back and forth between them, trying to understand what was going on.

"I was unresponsive?" he asked in a small voice, "Like...unconscious?"

"Oh, you were conscious," Caitlin told him in a hard voice, "You were awake the entire time. We just couldn't get through to you. You just laid there for four hours... _vibrating_. But _you_ weren't there, Barry. The speed force overtook you."

"Caitlin," Cisco said calmly, "Don't you think you're being a tad extreme?"

"I don't think she is," Joe said seriously, not tearing his eyes away from Barry, "He wasn't _there_ , Cisco. You saw it yourself."

"It was like a seizure," Caitlin added seriously, "A four-hour long seizure. That's the equivalent to what happened today."

"I..." Barry stammered, "I was _seizing_?!"

Caitlin took a deep shaky breath and let it out slowly.

"Not really," she said, trying to keep her voice steady, "Your muscles weren't...convulsing. They were..."

"Vibrating," Barry finished for her, shaking his head, "Caitlin, there's a big difference between seizing and--"

"No, there's not," Caitlin gritted, "There's really not, Barry. This was different from when you normally vibrate. It wasn't _intentional_ vibrating. Your body was doing it of its own accord. It was involuntary. There's a _big_ difference."

Barry shook his head, rubbing his eyes in frustration.

"I was in control," he insisted, "I had complete control over--"

"Barry," Iris choked.

Barry turned his head to look at her, and he was shocked to see she had actual tears in her eyes.

"You weren't in control, Barry," she said in small voice, her breath hitching slightly, "You were _gone_. Your eyes, they...they were so empty."

Barry stared at her a moment, taking in her words and the tears swimming in her eyes. He gave himself a small shake then.

"But I didn't _run_ ," he insisted desperately, "I didn't give in to the impulse to run. I _controlled_ myself."

"Barely," Joe muttered.

Caitlin let out a heavy sigh and moved to sit on the edge of Barry's bed.

"Barry," she said gently, "You did the best you could. I know how hard it was for you not to run, and you're right. You didn't give in to your impulses. You did a good job. The V9 was still too much for you, though. I know how much you wanted this to work out, but...I can't in good conscience allow you to keep experimenting with the V9."

Barry slowly shook his head the entire time she was speaking, tears forming in his eyes.

"But this is our _chance_ ," he choked, "This is our chance to defeat Zoom."

"Forget about Zoom," Joe snapped, "It's time to move on, Bar. I know you feel bad about how things worked out with earth two, but this isn't the answer. This V9 is _not_ a solution. I don't think you realize how scary this all is to us. We're just thinking of _your_ wellbeing...because we know that's something you, yourself, are not focusing on right now."

Barry shook his head and looked down in anguish.

"You're asking me to put myself above others' safety," he said quietly.

" _Yes_ ," Joe said firmly, "Yes, Barry, I am. And this is on _me_. This is me telling you to take care of yourself, so you have no reason to feel guilty about it. It's out of your hands because I'm making this decision _for_ you. I'm not letting you take the V9 again."

Barry didn't feel better with these words. They only made him feel worse.

"What if we did it differently?" he asked desperately, looking back and forth between Joe and the doctor, "What if we went with a smaller dose, and...and I know you don't like the idea of me running, but I think the reason I checked out the way I did today was because I was forced to sit still. I was _overwhelmed_ because you wouldn't let me expend any of that energy. What if next time, we set me up on the treadmill, and--"

" _Barry_ ," Joe cut him off, his eyes flashing dangerously, " _I'm not letting you take it again_."

Barry's heart dropped in his chest. He glanced around at everyone else in the room, looking for support. He found none. They all stood there, arms crossed with dead serious expressions on their faces. It was clear none of them were with him on this.

"Okay," Barry sighed in resignation, "Okay, I...I'm done with the V9 then."

He would never take it again.

* * *

The V9 took much longer to fully leave his system this time. Barry was weak and shaky for two days and even had to take off from work because his mind was in a cloud. He couldn't think straight when he was withdrawing from the V9. Thankfully, he was back to normal now. The V9 was out of his system.

But not his mind.

It was all Barry could think about. Even after the drug was out of his system, he still dwelled on the elated feeling it gave him.

He wanted more.

Barry was always quick to dismiss those thoughts, though. In fact, they _scared_ him. He had always thought he was too smart to get addicted to anything, but here he was craving a drug he had only taken twice. He wasn't addicted, though. Barry was confident that he wasn't addicted. A full week had passed, and he had controlled his urge to take more of it. He wasn't addicted.

It scared him, though, how much he craved the V9. He wasn't addicted, but he could see now how very possible it was for him to _become_ addicted. If he hadn't been cut off when he was, it wouldn't have taken much more for him to get hooked on the drug, for his body to crave it more than his mind could reason and abstain from it.

It was late, some time past eleven or so, and he was still running on the treadmill. He had lost track of how long he had been running. He had started sometime in the early afternoon and hadn't stopped once, not even for a break.

The others had noticed how much he was running lately. They knew better than to comment on it, though. They knew Barry was less than happy with them for taking away his shortcut to getting faster. That's why they didn't protest when he insisted on training for ridiculously long periods of time in order to get his speed up the natural way. Caitlin told him it wasn't good for him, but it was better than him taking V9, so she didn't make him stop.

Barry wasn't getting any faster, though. No matter how long he ran, no matter how _hard_ he trained, he was still stuck at the same speed as before. His progress had plateaued, and running did nothing to help.

It did nothing for his cravings either.

It was a foreign feeling to him, the cravings. It was an urge he couldn't quite describe. A _need_. It was almost like thirst or hunger. An unsatisfied feeling that left him anxious and irritable. Barry found himself eating and drinking more just to satiate the feeling, but none of it helped. It wasn't food or water that he was craving, and Barry was left with this unsatisfying need that gnawed at him at all hours of the day and night.

Barry let out a frustrated sigh as he slowed to a stop and shut the treadmill off, deciding to finally be done for the night. He was panting for air and covered in sweat, but he didn't feel like he had _accomplished_ anything. It was unbelievably frustrating.

The most frustrating part was knowing he was _capable_ of going faster. The V9 made it possible. The drug, itself, didn't _give_ him speed. It just helped him access the speed he already had stored up inside him. Which meant that the power was _inside_ him; he just couldn't get to it.

Barry's frustration coursed through him as he moved through the empty halls of STAR Labs, turning off lights as he went. He hadn't even noticed when the others left, but it was nearing midnight, so it must have been quite a while ago. As Barry made his way through the cortex to get the last set off lights, he suddenly paused in his tracks, staring at a door off to the side.

The door to Caitlin's office.

He wondered absently if she had more V9 stored there.

Barry gave himself a small shake. It didn't _matter_ if Caitlin had V9 in her office. He wasn't going to use it. It wasn't worth the risks, and he didn't need it.

Or did he?

He was stuck. His speed had been stuck in the same place for months now, and just behind that door, there was something that could help him break through his plateau. Something that could make him feel incredible.

Invincible.

Barry didn't even register walking over to the door. All he knew was that one moment, he was standing in the cortex, and the next, he was in Caitlin's office, frantically searching her shelves and her mini fridges for that precious red substance--the substance he had managed to go a full seven days without taking. For a full week, he hadn't given in.

Barry didn't what was causing him to crack _now_. Maybe it was the fact that he was alone? That there was no one here to stop him or try to keep him still this time? Or maybe it was the fact he had been running tirelessly all week, busting his ass with nothing to show for it. Maybe it was the fact that running didn't feel fulfilling to him anymore now. He didn't get the same burst of adrenaline like used to...not without the V9.

Barry's heart leapt when he opened one of the medical fridges and came face to face with what he had been searching for. It was more than one vial, too. Caitlin had an entire _rack_ of red vials stored in her refrigerator! There had been twelve vials of the stuff stashed away in her office this entire time.

Barry wondered absently why Caitlin hadn't gotten rid of it yet, since they had no intention of using it. If it was so dangerous, why was she keeping it around? It struck him then. It was because she _trusted_ him. Caitlin never in a million years would have thought Barry would snoop through her office, looking for drugs. Barry couldn't allow himself to feel guilty right now, though. He was distracted by the rack of vials sitting in front of him.

Barry's face split into a wide grin as he reached out and grabbed one of them, his heart hammering in his chest as his fingers curled around the precious vial. He didn't even think about it. His body moved without any hesitation, as if on autopilot, as he attached the vial to an injector. Barry's mind was blank as he tapped the glass with the back of his finger, tapping out all the air bubbles. There was no hesitation like there was with the first time. In a split second, Barry jammed the needle into his arm and pushed down on the plunger.

He gasped as he pulled the needle from his arm then, the syringe dropping and shattering as it made contact with the floor. Barry stared at it in horror.

What the hell had he just done?


	4. Priorities

* * *

**Priorities**

* * *

Barry's horror with his actions didn't last long. As the drug travelled through his bloodstream, crackling through his veins like lightning, Barry's mind dismissed all thoughts of guilt. He didn't _care_ about the potential consequences. All he could focus on now was the way he _felt_. It was so much more than just the speed. It was the feeling of being connected to everything around him, the same way he felt when he had been struck by lightning.

It was both scary and exhilarating at the same time.

Barry buzzed with both electricity and excitement. There was no one here to stop him this time. No one to force him to stay lying on a medical bed. No one to hit him with speed dampener when he ran too fast. He could experience the full effects of the V9 without any inhibitions this time. He could do whatever he wanted.

And Barry wanted to _run_.

He was out of STAR Labs in an instant, surging through the city at impossible speeds. He moved so fast, he could hardly see the cars and buildings surrounding him. Everything else just melted away as he finally unleashed his full power. He could finally access that pool of speed force energy that had been locked away inside him.

 _Nothing_ was better than this. Nothing in the world could make him feel _this_ alive. He felt invincible as he ran, like nothing could touch him. There were no limits, not for him. Nothing was impossible. There was nothing holding him back. No mountain too high. No valley too deep. He could accomplish _anything._

Running. It was all he could think about. Barry flew through the city, focusing only on the ground beneath his feet, the wind whipping past his face, and the lightning euphorically crackling through his veins.

He ran until he lost all sense of time.

All sense of himself.

* * *

"Barry!" a voice shouted, breaking through his veil of unconsciousness.

Barry's eyes cracked open a sliver, and the ceiling of his bedroom slowly reached his awareness, as did the pounding on his bedroom door.

"Dammit, Barry! Get up!" Joe ordered through the door, "You're going to be late again, and I am _not_ covering for you with the captain this time!"

Barry let out a soft groan as he turned over in bed. As soon as he moved, however, he sucked in a painful breath. His body hurt like hell! Barry looked down at himself and realized he was still in his Flash suit, laying on top of the covers instead of under them. He closed his eyes with a sigh, rubbing his temples. He must have passed out with his suit on after Flash duty.

Barry's eyes suddenly snapped open.

It all came rushing back to him then. Walking through the cortex, staring at the door to Caitlin's office, frantically searching the room for V9.

Injecting the red substance into his vein.

Barry's heart pounded painfully in his chest.

"What did I do?" he whispered to himself in anguish.

"Barry!" Joe called through the door again, "Did you hear me? You're going to be—"

"I heard you, Joe," Barry groaned, sitting up in bed, "I'm up. I'll be ready in a few."

As soon as he sat up in bed, though, he felt all the blood drain from his face. His heartbeat pounded painfully in his ears as he clutched his head.

"God," Barry said softly to himself, rubbing his eyes.

He felt like shit. His head felt like it was going to split in two, and his entire body felt drained and lethargic. It took everything Barry had just to stand up from the bed. When he did, he was able to fully feel the soreness in his legs. Barry sucked in a strained breath. His leg muscles felt as if they had been torn to shreds. Just how much running had he done last night? He couldn't even remember coming home.

How could he have done this? How could he have taken the V9 again? He had promised them he was done with it! What the hell was running through his head when he jammed that needle into his arm?!

A better question was, what the hell had happened last night?

All Barry could remember was injecting the V9 and then running. Running. It was all he could remember. It was all just a blur of twisting streets and back country roads. And lightning. So much _lightning_.

Barry had to hold back a groan as he started to get ready, moving at a normal pace. His mind felt like it was in a haze as he climbed into the shower. He couldn't really process this right now, what he had done. His head hurt too much and thinking about it was draining. Just standing _upright_ was draining. He couldn't feel his speed. Normally, he could always feel his speed bubbling just below the surface, fueling him throughout the day. He couldn't feel it now, though.

All he felt was the exhaustion.

He was too exhausted to process everything right now, so he just _didn't_.

"Morning," Barry mumbled as he entered the kitchen, where Joe was pouring himself a cup of coffee.

Barry walked over to the cupboard to grab a mug and then beelined for the coffee maker to pour a cup for himself. He didn't notice Joe's eyes on him until he set the pot down and took his first sip. Joe was giving him a strange look.

"What?" Barry asked.

Joe just shook his head.

"You look like shit," he said, furrowing his eyebrows at Barry.

"Thanks," Barry said, taking another sip of his coffee.

"Seriously, Barry," Joe said, a hint of worry in his voice now, "Are you feeling okay?"

"Fine," Barry sighed, "Just a little tired, that's all."

Joe gave him a calculating look.

"You ran all night, didn't you?" he asked seriously.

Barry's fingers tightened around his mug.

"Just some late night training at STAR Labs," he said quietly, his eyes shifting to the side.

He wasn't sure if he should tell Joe the truth or not. He really didn't want to tell him that he had taken the V9 again. He was afraid of how Joe would react. He knew Joe would immediately start freaking out, and there would probably be a lot of yelling involved. He would overreact and think Barry was _addicted_ or something. They all had already voiced their concerns about that possibility. Barry didn't need to worry them more by telling them what he had done. He wasn't addicted. He knew that. He had just had a slip up. He was still completely in control. _He_ knew that, but they would probably see it differently. They'd all start jumping to conclusions and berate him about it.

No. It was better not to even get them worked up about it. He was perfectly fine. He wasn't going to do it again, anyways, so why even tell them about it?

"You need to stop that, Barry," Joe chastised, "I know you're upset that things didn't work out with the V9, but you're not doing yourself any favors by overcompensating for it. At some point, training this much becomes _counter_ productive. Your speed will increase with time. You just have to be patient."

Barry nodded slowly, his throat going dry.

"Do you think you can give me a ride to work?" he asked then, wanting to change the subject, "I don't feel like running today."

Joe's eyebrows furrowed slightly, his eyes raking over Barry, taking in his appearance.

"Maybe you should stay home today, Bar," he said gently, "Take the day off to rest."

"I feel fine," Barry lied.

"Bar, the captain's going to take one look at you and send you home," Joe said seriously, "It's okay to take the day off to rest. I'll cover for you."

Barry's lips twitched.

"I thought you weren't going to cover for me this time," he reminded him.

Joe laughed lightly at that.

"Don't start getting smart with me," he chuckled, "Now, you go upstairs and go back to bed. Get some _rest_. No training today, promise?"

Barry nodded seriously.

"Promise," he said softly.

He couldn't train even if he wanted to.

He did, however, go to STAR Labs after Joe left for work. As much as he wanted to go back to sleep, Barry had to be sure there was no evidence left behind from last night's escapades.

It was a good thing he went, too, because when he slipped into Caitlin's office, unseen by the others, it was to find the room in shambles. Shelves were displaced, supplies were overturned, and the shattered pieces of the glass vial from last night were still scattered on the floor. Barry stared at the room in shock. Had he really been so focused on getting his fix that he hadn't paid any mind to the state of the room he had been searching?

Barry used the little energy he had to speed about the room, cleaning up the mess to return the room to the state Caitlin had left it in. He was just lucky she hadn't gone in there before him this morning. Thankfully, Caitlin spent most of her time in the cortex and rarely retreated to her office.

As he finished fixing Caitlin's office, Barry's mind finally started to clear. The gravity of what he had done started to really hit him now. He had taken V9. After promising to himself and the others he wasn't going to do it again, he had taken it. He had caved in to his impulses. Maybe this _was_ a problem.

Barry gave himself a small shake. No. He didn't have a problem. He had just slipped a little. He had made a mistake. He had been training too hardly lately, not getting enough sleep. He hadn't been thinking clearly at the time. It was a one-time mistake. One that he wouldn't make again.

Even if he was craving to.

Barry gazed longingly at the medical fridge in the corner of Caitlin's office. He knew there were eleven more vials of V9 inside it, just waiting to be injected, ready to give him that feeling of speed and elation again. Barry pulled his eyes away from the fridge. No. He wasn't going to take it again. He wasn't going to take shortcuts. He was going to increase his speed the natural way. By training. He wasn't going to give in to his impulses. He was stronger than that.

He was _better_ than that.

Still, Barry couldn't help but be curious. He wanted to know just how fast he had run last night.

"What are you doing here?" Cisco asked when Barry entered the cortex, "Why aren't you at work?"

"I have the day off," Barry answered shortly, supplying no further explanation.

He made his way to one of the computers behind the desk then, entering in his login ID to access the suit's telemetry reading history.

"Are you feeling okay?" Caitlin asked, glancing up from her microscope to frown at him, "You look a little worn out."

"I'm fine," Barry dismissed quickly, not looking up from his computer, "Just didn't get a lot of sleep."

Out of the corner of his eye, Barry could see Cisco and Caitlin exchanging looks with each other. He ignored them, though. As soon as the data from last night appeared on the screen in front of him, it was all Barry could focus on.

"Mach four-point-eight," he whispered to himself, a smile of disbelief forming on his face.

He had never gone anywhere _near_ that fast before. He had not only finally surpassed mach four, but now he was almost up to mach _five_ , a speed he had never even considered himself capable of. Barry stared at the numbers in front of him, hardly believing they were real.

"Whatcha looking at?" Cisco asked curiously, moving towards the desk.

Barry quickly used his speed-typing abilities to wipe away the information. He couldn't let the others see it. How was he going to explain to them how he managed to nearly double his speed overnight? They would put two and two together for sure. They would know he cheated and took the V9 again.

"N-nothing," Barry answered quickly, "Just tracking my progress for this week."

Cisco nodded and looked down at the screen with a small sigh.

"Still stuck at two-point-seven?" he sighed.

"Yeah," Barry muttered, his eyes shifting to the side.

Cisco nodded and clapped a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry, man," he said, "You'll break through your plateau eventually. You just need to be patient."

"And you need to take _care_ of yourself," Caitlin added, "I know you want to train, but rest is just as important, Barry."

Barry's lips twitched.

"Joe said the same thing," he said quietly.

"You should listen to him," Caitlin said seriously.

She frowned at him then.

"Are you sure you're just tired, Barry?" she asked worriedly, "You look really pale."

"I'm fine," Barry repeated, "I just didn't sleep much."

"Have you been eating enough?" she persisted, "You look like you're more than just tired."

Barry nodded slowly. Now that he thought of it, he _was_ really hungry. He hadn't eaten anything in over twelve hours. Normally, he always ate a ton of food after training late at night like that, but he must have gone to bed on an empty stomach. It didn't make any sense. After all the running he had done, why wouldn't he have restocked on calories before turning in for the night? As he considered the V9, though, he realized it was a stimulant more than anything. In general, stimulant drugs, like cocaine and meth, had the tendency to ramp up energy while suppressing appetite. The V9 must have had a similar effect on him last night.

Now that he was without the V9 in his system, Barry was _ravenous_.

"I'm going to go get something to eat," Barry said, standing up from the desk, "I'll see you guys later."

Before either of them could say anything, Barry flashed out of the cortex. He didn't go back to STAR Labs again that day. He went home, ate his weight in food, and then passed out in bed for several hours, sleeping off his V9 hangover. By that evening, he almost felt back to normal. He didn't feel quite right, though. Physically, he felt less drained, and his torn, sore muscles had healed, but he still didn't feel like himself.

He didn't feel complete.

The gnawing ache he had been feeling all week had now returned with a vengeance, stronger and more insistent than ever. Barry now fully recognized the craving it for what it was.

His body was craving more V9. It wasn't just mental. It was _physical._

As Barry laid in bed that night, he felt more conflicted than he had ever felt in his life. He had reasonably vowed to himself that he wasn't going to take the V9 ever again. It was the most obvious choice he could make, and he had been content with that decision.

And then he saw those numbers…

Mach five. He was so close. Barry knew that if he continued taking the V9, he would eventually surpass mach five, and God only knew how much faster he would get from there. The numbers were titillating. The possibilities in front of him were enough to make him reconsider his reasons for not taking the V9. It was hard to reason against taking it with those numbers floating around in his head.

It was just the speed. It had nothing to do with the way the drug made him _feel_. He wasn't letting emotions cloud his judgement. This was purely objective. Purely logical.

Really, it was about the good of the city. That was the only thing that should matter here, the only thing he should be considering. What was best for everyone else? That was the V9, right? The V9 made him faster, and therefore made him a better hero. It was simple logic. The V9 was a _good_ thing. The rest of his team just couldn't see that. They were blinded by their concern for his health.

Barry's priorities were different, though. First of all, he would place the safety of Central City above his own wellbeing any time. What was more important? The safety of an entire city or the health of one man? To Barry, that answer was simple.

Secondly, Barry wasn't so sure that his health even _was_ threatened by the V9. Yeah, the comedowns had him feeling like shit, but he bounced back, didn't he? He recovered from it just fine. The others were just overreacting. Caitlin was concerned about his heart more than anything, but Barry was fine. He had run all night, and his heart hadn't given out like Caitlin had warned him it would. Maybe his heart had only been in danger that first time because his body had been adjusting to the V9 in his system. He was perfectly acclimated to it now, though.

No. Barry wasn't too worried about his physical health. It was his _mental_ health that concerned him the most. Addiction was still a possibility here, and the last thing Barry wanted was to mess up his life by getting hooked on some speed drug.

That wasn't going to happen to him though, right? He wasn't taking the V9 to get high; he was taking it to be a better hero. It was like pain medication. It was perfectly fine for people to take things like Vicodin or Percocet when they needed it for pain. Addiction was more likely in cases where people were abusing it recreationally. Taking it for a valid purpose, though, was perfectly acceptable.

And Barry's reasons for taking V9 were valid. He wasn't taking it recreationally to get high. Like a post-surgical patient who takes narcotics for pain, he was taking V9 for speed. For the ability to help people. He wasn't trying to _abuse_ it for his own satisfaction. He wasn't some V9 junkie. He was the Flash. He was the perfect role model for responsibility and integrity. He wasn't some drug addict.

And even if he was, even if he _did_ start to depend on the V9, wasn't it still worth it? Even if he did get addicted to the substance, that didn't mean the drug was a bad thing, not if it made him a better hero. Barry still didn't think he was going to get addicted to the V9, but either way, if addiction was the worst case scenario, Barry would take it if it meant keeping people safe.

Obviously, he was going to do everything in his power to avoid becoming dependent on the V9. He was going to keep taking it, though. His mind was decided now. He was going to continue experimenting with the V9.

And he wasn't going to tell the others.


End file.
